If Then Else
I woke up with a start just when I had started to fall
asleep. Those innocent eyes kept haunting me. I knew the truth behind those
accusing eyes but could not do anything to save the man. He stood there in my
presence screaming silently for help. What he didn’t know was that right then I
was more helpless than he could ever imagine. Even when I wanted to set him
free, I was duty-bound to not let him escape.
The case had been one of the several that my predecessor had
kept stalling. The accused had already been in prison for over sixteen years —
more than his actual crime called for. When finally I took over as the high
court judge, I was so overwhelmed at the number of pending cases that I decided
upon a fast track dispensation of justice. Easier said than done. Unfortunately,
I found this out only after I had set the course and there was no backing out. For
weeks the lawyers gave me hard stare. They couldn’t complain in open though I understood
too well their unhappiness at being ordered around on a short lease. I let
their stare glide over my back for the greater good.
Then this man’s case came to me. I heard the arguments of both
the sides. All the evidence, though circumstantial, was pointing him out as
guilty. But I couldn’t accept it. This man who stood before me couldn’t have
committed the crime he had been framed for. He was not the type of man who
could hurt another soul. I could vouch for him. But that wouldn’t do now, would
it? The law only understands evidence. Not belief and certainly not love.
I have known this man for as long as I can remember. He was
there when I spoke my first words. He was there when I took my first step. He was
there whenever I needed him. But more importantly, he was there when I…. That
my irresponsibility could cost another so dearly wasn’t something I had
foreseen. How could I have let him take the fall for me and escaped never to
come back? When had I become so callous and self-centered that my reputation and
self-preservation had started clouding my judgment? And irony of all ironies, I
was the judge for something that I should have been prosecuted!
I couldn’t wait for the morning. I needed to see him. I needed
to absolve him and surrender. That was what was right. Then why was I hesitating?
He had already suffered for my wrong doings. Surely I was capable of
redemption. Or had I throttled my conscience the day I had…..
I didn’t want to think of what I had become. I was
successful. Respected and feared. Loved even. I couldn’t just let everything
slide because of my guilt. It was true that I was the criminal but it was
equally true that he was the cause of behind why I had to commit the crime. He was
guilty in equal measure. Was that why he had let himself get caught in the
first place? Was it his repentance? Once upon a time we had been friends. But he
had taken undue advantage of my friendship. That was what had started this
chain reaction. He deserved to rot and he deserved to be punished by me.
No, I am not to be absolved completely of what had
transpired so many years ago. I have had to bear my own cross. For months I had
battled severe depression until finally I had come clean. It had broken me
completely. Threatened my sanity. That had been my punishment. Worse than any
prison made of brick and mortar. This time I’d fight for myself. This time I’ll
not be a mere spectator.
By the next hearing I had of course changed my mind. He had
suffered and didn’t need to anymore. I would be lenient and let him free. My privilege
accorded me that right. Nobody would challenge me. There was no reason.
Only, I was too late. The man had hanged himself in his cell
and left behind a suicide note. He had conceded to the charges that had been
against him. He had absolved me of any wrong doing. But in fact he had only set
himself free and made me a prisoner of my guilt.
© Jonali Karmakar
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